turning point

the past seven days have been a real struggle. things went from bad to worse to just ok on Easter. After arguing about the shit that was packed for my mom, we all went to church and got us some Jesus. I thought all was well till we got back to the house and dad said they were leaving. I was livid to the point of tears. it was fucking Easter. so i went up the street where Bill was chillin with TJ and I told him he needed to talk to my dad. I was at my wits end by that point now crying at our friends house. If dad had left that day i'm not sure I could forgive that...anytime soon anyway. I was all geared up for a 9 mile run but could only get 7 that day. i had no clue how to handle this situation anymore. everything I said or did, i got pushback. everything my sister and i have said for the past 5 years have been ignored. now things are getting bad and it's insane. we started building a new bathroom for them hoping they would move in. so the days went by and everyday i thought i might have to go back on my meds. im doing so well off of them and lost 10 pounds in a month as a bonus. I havent been below 150 in 5 years. anyway  now that im in therapy once a week since going off the meds i have been able to talk out this situation and figure out a different way to work through this with my parents instead of bullnosing through it. I'll see how things pan out. it sucks seeing my mom like this cuz she's not my mom anymore. i want her to have the very best care. i just want to help. ANYWAY now that its the start of a new week i'm hoping I can actually get my Goddamn shit together. I have dropped so many balls in the past few weeks. i just have to pay the fuck attention to who needs to be where and when and what needs to be packed for what event. the next two months are so fucking busy and im turning into "slacker mom." Totally unreliable mom. it's a work in progress. i did start out on a positive note today, managed to get the kids everywhere they needed to be this morning ON TIME. then i ran 10 miles! 10.3 to be exact. next week will be 11 and then on the 7th is the Providence Half Marathon. I will take a couple weeks off and begin the Marathon training. It will take me all 5 months to train for it. I really dont know what i was thinking. HM's are crazy enough. But then again I am just the right amount of crazy. Cheers to a new week and staying on point.

Easter

It has been one hell of a week leading up to Easter. The damn kids were off all week from school and the man beast took leave..it was a constant battle to keep the house clean. I had to leave a list on the fridge and threaten physical violence for it all to get done by the time I got home at 3. Last Saturday I came home from work at 7pm to find a disaster. needless to say and im gonna say it anyway i was PISSED. I got more housework done between 7and 9pm than all four of them got done all day. No effing way was that going to happen again. Everyday there has been so many things packed into each 24 hours. Did i do it to myself? Perhaps. Regardless, Im hoping this week will chill the fuck out.

Alz

all i have been thinking about today is my parents. My moms sharp decline in memory since thanksgiving and my fathers stubbornness. There is so much heartache today and of course selfishly i think about what if i end up like mom? Im 40 that means i have 20 really good years left if thats the case. I am doing whatever i can now to eek out as many good years as possible for the sake if my kids and Bill. Its so hard for me not to think of my future as the sun is setting on my parents. Alz is torture for all involved. Its heart wrenching, and exhausting. Right now the only solution is to move my parents here with us. If my dad wants to rent a little apartment after they get here thats fine but for now they need support and it's available here in our tiny house. I dont know where everyone will stay at the moment but we started construction on the basement so we're definitely figuring it out, one drywall screw at a time.  My dad called me monday and somehow I missed it and never saw the voicemail till this morning. So of course I panicked and called right away ans of course he cant hear the phone so i called every 5 minutes for two hours straight. Finally he answers and i say a silent prayer that he did. He's having a very bad week. I just want to help! Im stuck. I cant be there all the time and im blessed that i have been able to get the time off i have to go there and do what i can. Shit im so tired.

The People of Walmart are GOOD

I mean this sincerely. I really do. Today i left my purse in the cart in the cart corrals. I put my bags in the car, the kids got buckled in, pushed the cart to the corral, ans got in my car ans drove home. I was there for about a half hour and got dressed for a run. Went down to the car to get my phone and it was gone. Ran back to the house retraced my steps and ran out to the car ans TORE THAT SHIT APART. THERE WAS NO FUCKING WAY I LEFT MY PURSE IN THE CART IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMM WALMART PARKING LOT!!!! Well i did. And when i realized that was in fact true the tears 😭 came. I was on the brink of tears all day anyway with Bill being super moody and being hard to handle, finding out my father in law needs BRAIN SURGERY, the whole situation with my parents, and now THIS.

I prayed that there are good people in this world. I prayed hard. I was crying so hard by this point i could barely see to call Walmart. But i did manage and THANK THE GOOD LORD for the good people in the parking lot today who saw my purse and turned it in to Customer Service. I was crying to the lady on the phone and still couldn't get my act together so Billy had to drive my sniveling ass back to Walmart to get my purse. Everything was in it. Even the 4 dollars in the wallet.

Thank you GOOD People of Walmart. Yow may carry on with your jammy pants forever more....and i will not judge.

i hate Victorias Secret

Not to dis on the quality or anything but I fucking hate shopping at Vickys. I think its more the staff than anything else. Most of them drive me insane. Today I had to bring back 3 bras that are too big for me. the bitch that measured me last month made me spread my arms out like i was flying and that expands the ribcage which gave me a larger measurement than i actually am. So i went in without tags or receipts and said i need to do an even exchange and the girl was like "no problem." so offi go to look for the 34C instead of the 36 i was returning. Then a second girl comes up to me and grills me about whether or not i had the tags or receipt. why she didnt just talk to Blondie behind the counter idk. she asks me if i have my credit card i used for the original purchase and then proceeds to tell me "its up to the stores discression on whether or not to accept returns without tags and receipt." it was then a fire burned in my gut and i nearly punched her. i live so far from a freaking mall and have been wearing a sports bra for two weeks because their MORON measured me wrong and she was about to tell me that i wasnt going to be able to make the exchange. shit just got real. so i made sure to tell her that this WAS going to happen and continued DIGGING through the shit piles of undergrungies and bras they have in drawers to find what I wanted. so then I finally get in line and finally get to the counter and see that my credit card was just sitting there chillin. anyone could have grabbed it! I was pissed. blahblahblah i did the transaction and the cashier was equally high and mighty and bitchy and i left.

on another note, I am going to run my first marathon this October! it may be my last and thats fine but here goes nothing!! Flight and hotel are booked and Marine Corps Marathon here I come. Prayers for a healthy training year. and who knows maybe I'll do another one next year...but lets just see if i want to spoon out my eyeballs after this is all said and done.

I'm back, Bitches

It's only been 5 years, right? Well I'm back with all my unfiltered bullshit ramblings, poor grammer, craptastic spelling problems, and excessive use of commas.

Out of respect for my husband I stopped blogging about this little life of ours because of his role in the Navy. Now he is on his way out in the next 18 months and this will have a profound effect on me and the family. So Im gonna blog about that.

Im gonna blog about my new found career. Im pretty fucking proud of myself so yeah.

My Dog. I love him. He does a lot of nothing around here but I talk about him a lot.

The kids continue to ruin my life and spoil all my best laid plans. So Im gonna blog about that.

My friends. Dem Bitches are my fucking SAVIORS. I love them to death. So I'll blog about them too.

My marriage. The Man-Beast and I will be married 15 years this year! Holy shit! I love that Man and all the ways he drives me up the Goddamned Wall.  Sacred grounds? Nope. Imma blog about that shit too.

My family. There's a lot going on with my Moms Alzheimers (Alz for short...no way im going to remember how to spell that) and the impact it has on me, my sister, and my dad. Yep all cards on the table.

So. Since all cards are on the table, Im gonna talk about my Depression. My Anxiety. Many people knew I was hard to handle. But Why? I shared it with no one for YEARS.  DECADES.
 I have depression with Anxiety.  There it is in black and white. And Im gonna go there. ALL IN. Imgoing to blog about hitting rock bottom and bouncing back and how Im fighting to overcome it all.

So if anyone wants to join me in this new chapter in my life, come on in. Just don't get offended. I dont approve of punk ass bitches with a sissy stick up their ass. Pull on ur big girl panties and welcome to my Forties.

keeping it together

I haven't done this much around here in weeks if not months. In the short time Bill has been gone, I've started cooking for Thanksgiving, painting the hallway and recovering the kitchen chairs. This is a short list, however the work involved with each project is huge...especially with 3 kids. I realize plenty of moms have 3 or more kids and do big projects all the time, so this is not special. But my point was it's a lot of effort and my body is tired. I've finished the chairs and they look great! The hallway is half done and I'll hopefully get that finished by tonight. Thanksgiving dinner is still a work in progress: 8lbs of sweet potatoes boiled and peeled, 6lbs of shrimp boiled and chilled but still unpeeled, 10lbs of homemade mashed potatoes all cooked and in the freezer...just need to be warmed up; cheesecake baked and in the fridge, 19.6lb turkey in the fridge and will hopefully be thawed by Thurs morning, still need to make the stuffing...I'm making that from scratch this year with white bread, carrots, celery, and onion. 2 pies worth of apple pie filling ready and in the freezer...just have to thaw and fill the crust, 2 pumpkin pies will be baked today along with that stuffing. Cami helped me make 2lbs of cranberry relish the other day. I'm doing cheese, pepperoni, and crackers, shrimp and cocktail sauce, Brie and pepper jelly, maybe deviled eggs, and maybe stuffed artichokes for appetizers. I seem to be having a hard time tracking down artichokes! Gonna try Stop and Shop today when I go for my green beans. Instead of green bean casserole, I'm doing fresh with olive oil and garlic/diced tomatoes. All this work will be worth it when I see my smiling family squished into my tiny home patting their full tummies. On top of all this, I start training for my half marathon in Feb. I'm hoping all the extra exercise will help with the stress of this years holiday. Since we were fucked in the ass repeatedly with extremely expensive events this year...cash is tight. I'm going to do my best but I'm certain my head will explode. I've never been hypervigilant about gifts but this year I will be setting a firm limit on my spending. Usually I buy what I want and get it all shipped out and boom. done. So for now, I will be drinking a lot of wine, vodka, and Irish Coffee...I'll be drunk from now through Xmas morning so come on by and join me!