Yesterday

I hit a low yesterday. Now that I'm used to just loafing around, I need to become adjusted to others doing for me. I just felt completely useless and without a real role in this house it's hard to insert my two cents into all the goings on. From the couch I found myself trying to holler how to do something "my way" and I kind of just shut myself up mid sentence and gave up. Yesterday morning, we were taking down the Xmas decorations (I just kind of sat on the couch and re-wrapped all the ornaments) Bill got pissy with me b/c he couldnt fix the leaky kitchen sink.  He didnt say anything hurtful but just the snippy/snide remarks really just made me feel about 3in tall. Oh and all this while I've been on bedrest obviously we cannot have sex...that is really not helping anything. He keeps making comments about getting himself a blowie but I am NOT having that. Why on earth would I put myself in such a subservient position when he has a fucking right hand? So he's all wound up about that and it's not helping my case. It sounds so selfish as I re-read that but I can understand his frustration, it took him a while to warm up to having another kid and then here I am on bedrest unable to to hardly anything for myself. We both know it's not forever but living in the moment it feels like eternity. Anyway, so around noon I went to lay down in the bedroom so I could just be alone and sort through things in my head. As the hours dragged on I got hungry and thirsty but couldnt ask for anything, I began to feel like a burden. It was just about 5 hours that I holed myself up until dinner was ready...I was starving by 545 when Bill called us to the table. Later that night Bill came in and asked what was wrong but I didnt want to cry in front him so I was just able to squeek out how useless I felt around here and he said something about staying strong and 'you can do it' and left the room. Thats when the tears fell, but i was able to pull myself together quickly and suck it up. There is no point in getting all "poor me" when it solves nothing. I can't help but to feel useless but the whole depressed and sad thing is something that had to end when I went to bed last night. Its a new day.