missing my baby

Each day that goes by it gets harder to leave Lauren at the hospital. I want to be there 24/7 but there are two other little obligations that want to see me.  Mase and Cami missed me while I was in the hospital and I sure did miss them. Now that it's getting really close to Laurens discharge, it's killing me to leave. I feel like if I stay there, she will nurse better and maybe there could be something I could do to get her home sooner. But in reality I know that Im doing all I can right now. It's 45 minutes each way to get to the hospital so it's not around the corner. Im gone for a total of 6 hours a day to be with our little bird. Im not sure I can do much more. Today however, I should have stayed at the hospital all day and all night. Everything that I've been through came to surface this afternoon.I got home and went to the bedroom to pump my boobs and there was water in the top of the pump! My grandmothers pearl earrings were on the floor, and a delicate gold chain was in knots. There was pen ink on my bed sheets and the water on the pump wont allow me to turn it on! So the tears started to flow and I just sat on the floor for what seemed like forever but was probably a half hour and just sobbed. I cried for the difficult pregnancy, the long hospital stays, leaving my little bird in the hands of the NICU. Cried because I couldnt properly take care of Mase andCami and it was partly my fault that all this mess happened in my room. I still feel pretty crappy tonight but at least I stopped crying. Things are going to get so much better (yes more stressful, but at least all my babies will be under one roof!) once Lauren gets home.  For now, I dont know if the breast pump is broken for good or if it just needs to dry out. Im really pissed because it's a rental from the hospital and praying that they dont charge me hundreds of dollars to replace it. We shall see. I do have a single pumper but its so loud and annoying and it takes twice as long to get the same amount of milk. This pumping thing is totally barbaric and another reason why I want my baby home. Im having to pump and bring the milk in so the nurses can feed it to Lauren when Im not there to nurse her. I love breastfeeding but the whole pumping thing is next to torture. Cant wait till tmrow when I get to see my little babe again.