frustration

Its bad enough that my sleep patterns have been wildly disrupted with diaper changes and breastfeeding but we decided to add potty training to the list of things that have been driving me mad around here. I'm short tempered and feel bad about myself not only about my short comings as a mom but my inner voice that screaming at me to get back into shape is louder this time than my previous post partum "adventures." I feel like Im not giving enough to Mase and Cami, my body is too tired in the morning to much more than sit and veg and by afternoon, Im so frazzled from all the coffee, running around, dinner prep, and whatever else that I just end up snapping most of the time. Part of me is saying that Im not cut out for this and want my old life back from 10 years ago and the other part knows that this is just temporary and things will gradually get better, the kids wont remember the time I couldnt spend with them but will only recall the fact that I was always around. Fingers crossed the latter proves true. Aside from the kids driving me nuts is my relationship with B. We never spend time together, and I can blame a little of that on work but we get most weekends together and a few hours each night. We cant seem to make the most of the time we have. Its all bitter and disconnected, like tonight we almost got to eat dinner together when Lauren woke up and needed to be fed. I sat at the table breastfeeding while B sat across from me eating away at his steak I made. I couldnt cut my food up so I literally picking the whole thing up with my thumb and forefinger and eating it that way. Even though it was a small steak, the point is he sees me trying to eat and BF at the same time and he doesnt offer to cut up my steak for me! I didnt ask either because we've been through this TWO times before! He should know to offer to help me by now! I felt like a fucking cave man eating steak with my fucking hand. Then to make matters worse, we kept trying to have conversation but the way he was talking about his work to me saying I dont "understand" or "appreciate" what goes on in his office day to day is total bull shit!!!  I've been married to his punk ass for almost 8 years and he thinks that I dont respect his job or what he does for our family.  OH AND THEN when I told him about the events of my day he had the balls to say "wow, sometimes I underestimate you." Im all "WHAT THE FUCK?" HE UNDERESTIMATES ME???  I am doing what I can not to completely come unglued most days around here and he has the fucking stones to admit that he underestimates me. I know Im not "mom of the year" or a runway model who can snap back to pre pregnancy shape in 6 weeks. I am fully aware of all my shortcomings, I dwell on them day to day and hour to hour. I GET IT!!  I know I could be doing a whole helluva lot more around here if I only could speake a full sentence without trailing off b/c  I  cant find the right words or drive my son to school and get there only to realize I had no idea where my mind was the entire ride there, or take a shower, or scrape off yesterdays makeup, or maybe burn a few calories instead of stuffing my face. Yes there is a LOT more I could be doing with myself and the kids but GodDamnIt I just cant figure out which end is up right now. The last thing I need to be is underestimated by my own husband. Wow. Today, I really dislike him. I feel our marriage is on the back burner and its just there simmering waiting for better days to come. We're just roommates that say "hi" and "goodnight" to each other. I dont get it, we've been through so much together how can we be so disconnected? All the emotional highs and lows we experienced should have brought us closer. Well now that's off my mind maybe I can get a couple hours sleep until Lauren wakes up.