Downer of a day

The kids were screaming at each other by 630 this morning and it was my fault...yesterday i found out that cami was up around 530 and I told her to stay in bed until mase woke up...not really thinking that she'd actually listen to me and there was no way I was going to be able to enforce that anyway. WELL this morning I hear Mase screaming YOU STAY IN BED IM NOT UP YEEEET!!! CAMERON. YOU. GET. BACK. IN. BED. NOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! Nice way to start the day, right? Then Bill gets up because I asked him to since Ijust got back to sleep from feeding Lauren at 530...well he wasnt in the greatest of moods because he drank a shit ton of beer last night and threw out his back lifting Mase in the pool. SO next thing Ihear is Bill yelling at the kids for I cant remember what now. Now its 645 and all this noise has woken up Lauren. I bring her back to bed with me to nurse her. Iwas really hoping that we would both fall back to sleep but no such luck there. We got up and I made some coffee and looked at our money situation which made me really unhappy. I dont know how we can be so tight each paycheck! Ugh it drives me nuts because we always do this during the summer...overextend ourselves and then we end up relying on the credit card and then stupid shit comes up like a 200 dollar carpet cleaning bill! So Im all stressed out about money(which Iknow will work itself out like it always does) and then Cami comes upstairs to have a snack without her pants on and I start FUMING because I know what happened. She pissed her pants downstairs and I just had the fucking carpets cleaned 3 days ago. I drag her downstairs and came off the CHAIN on her. I was so friggin pissed off, I smacked her on the thigh and then felt so bad about it because Im the one who isnt potty training her properly, idk what to do because it seems like im so wrapped up in the baby and trying to keep the house clean, working out and somedays just plain ignoring the kids! it sounds awful but there are times when I just send them downstairs to watch cartoons so I can have a couple hours of quiet. Anyway, I feel bad that I cant do anything right and i have no help around here, Bill is going to be gone nearly the entire month of August and I already feel the anxiety of that coming on, I just walked out the front door and sat on the steps and cried. It had been a very tough July for me and it hit me all at once. Similiar to the "Yoga Meltdown" I had a few weeks ago, shit just piles up and piles up and eventually it gets to me. Well I must have been out there for an hour. Bill finally came out and gave me hug after he got off the phone....really....if I saw him out on the porch crying I'd get off the phone and see what was wrong but he just kept chattin away. Ugh, whatever. So I started weeding out the garden and deadheading the flowers and I started to feel better. The baby was sleeping and Bill had fed the other two lunch and sent Cami for her nap so I had some time to myself to sort out my feelings. I came in and had a drink (it was after noon so what the hell..right?) and put my suit on to lay in the sun for a bit. The rest of the day went by in a tired wore out blur. I didnt do P90x today, my body was just too sad. I had way too much pasta for dinner. But I craved the comfort those carbs brought me and I will get back on the horse tomorrow, I have a mental plan in action and hopefully I can see it through and the rest of my week will only get better. Family is coming in starting Thursday so there is much to do to get this house ready. I know things are going to work out but living in the moment is just very difficult, I am so blessed to have what I have and all I could do today was pray. I prayed for patience and strength. Patience and strength. Patience and strength. Patience and strength........