The Effies

Awards season is upon us and in the spirit of it all I've decided to have my own awards ceremomy: The Effies. Today is the day where I give a big huge FUCK YOU to whomever and what ever I want to. There are no nominations only winners here. There are a few catagories and the only requirement for the big win is to have pissed me off or annoyed me in anyway. Here we go:

WINNERS IN THE WINTER CATAGORY:
1) SHOVELING. FUCK YOU. I hate you. You do not get an acceptance speech. You made me leave my older kids in the house and wait till the baby was asleep while I pray they dont burn the house down.
2) Ice. FUCK YOU! You prevented me from going anywhere several days this week.
3) My driveway. FUCK YOU!! You are so long and steep and when you paired up with that other asshole, Ice, you made shoveling and going out and about nearly impossible.
4) My Minivan. FUCK YOU!! You have shitty front wheel drive and once I finally was able to get up the driveway you made me slide on the streets. I miss my 4x4.

WINNERS IN THE IDIOTS,MORONS, ASSHOLES, DICKHEADS AND SHITBAGS CATAGORY:
1) FUCK YOU goes out to DRIVERS. You can't drive and be extra careful with the high snow drifts. You put me and my kids in danger of your moronic driving. I hate you.
2) FUCK YOU goes to PEOPLE WHO ARE HAVING BABIES THAT CANT AFFORD THEM. If you are 21 years old and on your third or fourth kid on one measly income. YOU CANT AFFORT THEM!!!
3) FUCK YOU goes to PEOPLE WHO FUCK UP SHIT I'VE DONE. This is for those who take all my hard work, blood, sweat, and tears and FUCK IT ALL UP.  You suck.
4) FUCK YOU to fake people. Life can suck, and stop trying to pretend to everyone else that its all rainbows and huge pots of fucking gold.
         At this point I have a subcatagory for other mommies: your kids aren't perfect, you think your ways are perfect, and stop being fake nice to me. I understand your sleeplessness, grouchy-ness, and you are ready to pull out your hair. STOP! I want to have a normal conversation about real life and real problems. If you are going on 3 hours of sleep and your kids are being assholes to you dont be fake about it. Comiserate with me because I UNDERSTAND! Stop feeling guilty for feeding your kids pasta 4 nights in a row, so you spanked your kid....SO WHAT!?! Stop feeling pressure from "Type A" moms-----they suck. They are toxic. Yes they have some great ideas about organization and tidiness but mostly they suck.

That concludes this portion of "The Effies." Just because awards season will come to an end, it doesnt mean FUCK YOU's can't be given out later in the year. Thank you and drive safely, folks.