thinkin and drinkin

So much stuff to bitch about and so much stuff to just think about. I've had quite a bit of wine since dinner but not drunk enough. So tired and my body is about to shut down for the night but here I sit with my eyeballs glued to the computer screen. I need an IV drip of Pino. Anyway I'll start with the stuff I've been thinking about. This week has been pretty emotional for me...it was last year at this time I was at the hospital for a week with my water broke waiting for Lauren to make her arrival. It was this night last year that I was told she would be coming tomorrow. That pregnancy was so emotional with all the bed rest and the hospital stays and all the false alarms. When I thought it was all over and my little birdie would be in the caring hands of the NICU it went on for another week of hospital bedrest. Regardless of how it all played out, I've been lost in thought all week long. Lost in thoughts of "this will never happen again, make the most of every moment" lost in all the memories of Laurens birth and the part that really gets me choked up is the lullaby that the LandD unit plays when a baby is born. Nurse Anne opened my door and said, "here's her lullaby" then this sweet lullaby filled my room and the hallways announcing the birth of my little 4lb 7oz little girl. I'm tearing up again. I have no idea why that's the part of it all that hits me the hardest. There was so much drama, raw emotion, fear, and tension associated with Laurens pregnancy and birth and the one thing that can make me cry is thinking about that lullaby. Tomorrow, Lauren is 1. ONE!!! the year just FLEW by. I baked her cake today and we'll watch her eat it and make a huge mess tmrow afternoon. We'll take pics and I'll prolly bawl my eyes out knowing that this is it, my baby is one and I will have no more babies. From now on we only count up and not start over. It marks the day where we'll look at not only Lauren but Mason and Cameron and say to ourselves "we watch and see what these kiddos turn out to be" with the understanding that our family is now what it will be forever. We are a family of five. That saddens me to be honest. I always pictured myself with four kids and stopping now is difficult for me. Its not fair to everyone around me including the baby I would carry if we went for #4. With all we went through its right to count my blessings and watch my babies grow up. Man, I had so much to bitch about but writing about my baby and emotional stuff got me all soft hearted and I dont have the energy to complain about the retards in walmart today. Next time.